Checking in with you, Fam.

It’s been a… rough week.

My first born son (not by blood, but by heart) committed suicide on May 12th.

I can’t begin to explain how it feels to lose a child. The closest thing I can compare it to is feeling like a part of yourself died, too, and there’s a hole inside that won’t be filled.

I love him. I’ll miss him.

He thought no one was there for him, but the funeral proved that incorrect. So many people showed up to talk about how he’d positively affected their lives. His co-workers saw him as a leader and mentor. Others saw him as the person that brought levity in a stressful situation.

I just know he was my son, he acted like me, and I loved talking to him and hanging out with him. I never would have married his mom, honestly, had I not met him first.

If you’re out there and you’re thinking about offing yourself, please know that so many people will be hurt for the rest of their life because of it.

I’ve suffered from depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember. I’ve ideated about suicide a lot. I’ve put a gun in my mouth before. I’ve been in that darkness before.

There are always ways out of the dark. It’s not easy, and you have to want it, but there is a way out of the dark.

Do not, please, make a permanent decision you can’t take back. If you feel like it’s the only way, take at least a few minutes to call one of the numbers in this list. It’s every phone number you can call to talk to someone about it.

I just wanted to let you all know that I’m okay, and I will be back to writing soon, but this one is heavier than a lot of the other stuff I’ve been through, so it might take a while.

And one last thing:

Remember to love each other. If you’re having some sort of problem with your family that’s relatively trivial, squash that shit. You never know what tomorrow may bring and you might not get another chance.

~ J.D.